Monday, April 5, 2010

I think something is wrong with me

I have no patience with my kids lately. From sun up to sunset, the screaming and fighting and disregard for my authority mixed with disrespect makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide. I am working on it; middle one is being put in time out and that is working... s-l-o-w-l-y. My little one should will be known as the "skin" from here on out as she refuses to keep any clothes or diapers on. She won't even wear a blanket at night... just skin. I'm tired of trying to be a good mother; I don't even know what that is anymore. Is the mere fact that they are feed, cleansed and dressed (for the most part) cover me for the time being as I try to figure out HOW to get my life back in order. I live in fear of even reprimanding them now that my oldest told a lie and had CPS called on us. This is not the first time he's done this. The first one was unfounded and now an investigation is going on to find out if what I am saying "my son has mental health issues, he's a manipulator and a liar" is the factual. "I'm going to have to do my own investigation to see what you are saying is the truth". I know it will, we have years and years of paperwork to show what we have done to save him but the fact that SOMEONE is watching me and questioning me makes me question myself. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore. Whats the point in trying.

I feel like I'm a lone right now. I used to feel like my husband was my best friend but a few years ago, during my second pregnancy, he became very distant and cold, down right mean to me. I used the M word again. So juvenile to him. I feel like I don't even really know him anymore. I find out about little white lies and I wonder "why lie about that?" and what else is he lying about.

I need to find a way to get out of this pit of depression and it's going to have to start with some structure in the home or I'm going to go insane.

Step one: Breath. Step two: attempt to clean one part of the house while preventing them from making a mess in another. Is that even possible because I have yet to accomplish this. Are their mothers out there that know how to do this? Please teach me. I feel like I'm drowning... throw me a rope!

Sunday, April 4, 2010


Where do I begin...

So I'm having a pretty bad day and found myself rambling on and on as I was attempting to update my facebook status when I realized I was giving way too much information about my life to so called friends, coworkers and random family members. After ctrl-a delete, I started writing a long google document hoping that after I put it all down on ePaper that I would start to feel better but in the back of my mind I was wondering "will my husband find this"... "He'll think I planted it for him to feel sorry for me" "maybe I should make it more dramatic so he will feel sorry for me". I'm so pathetic.

It's hard to admit that at almost 30 I feel like I don't even know who I am. I am still self conscious about almost everything about "me". The one thing I thought I did well was my parenting even that is debatable as of late. Well at least I'm a good nurse.

I have only 1 good friend over the years that I can turn to and that 'gets' me but her life is so busy and chaotic that it's impossible to get to her most times. I haven't felt this alone in awhile and even then, I didn't feel like I NEEDED anyone this badly; well besides my teen years. So it was after my failed attempt at connecting with someone...anyone on facebook, then google docs, and a quick google search of "why don't I have any friends", that I decided to post a blog and see if there is anyone out there that feels this way... Please say yes.

I'm a mother of three (9,3, 19mos). I work part time and homeschool my oldest. He has had very aggressive behavioral problems that prevented him from being successful in public school and special ed. When no private school would take him, I took him home and off all his meds where he's doing much better. Still no walk in the park but leaps and bounds better than having to restrain him after he tried to attack me or one of the kids. My three year old and 19 month old seem to be in the same phase of rebellion and blatant disrespect. It all started while I was away tending to my very ill father, that my youngest ones became cranky pants, and oddly, my oldest matured a bit. But now that I am home trying to put back the piece of our lives, I'm finding my little ones are down right nasty to me and I have no idea how to get them back on track. I've become the mother with the 3 yr old running around the store throwing things at her and telling her to "shut up" and I have no idea how to stop it.

My husband works a pretty stressful job and has said "by the time I get home, I have exhausted all my patience at work". For the most part he's a great person and father but with the little ones so out of control and the house being a total war zone, it's hard for him to remain calm and joyful. He craves quiet "sit and watch a bluray" time like an alcoholic craves his next drink and I can't help but feel like everything he hates about his life is my fault. I've stopped trying to make him enjoy these years; Every time I try to make a suggestion it turns into a fight and quite frankly I'm tired of fighting.

It's not always this bad, I'm just having a bad day. When the kids are at a grandparents home or somewhere other than with us, the "man" is actually quite playful and nice to me. He says I'm too old to tell him to stop being "mean" to me like we are in "elementary school" but I don't know how else to describe how he treats me most days. I know it's not nice that much I can say.

There aren't many things I do well to him and most of our conversations revolve around what I didn't do or what I did wrong. "You didn't ____, did you?" is a common phrase. My chest tightens up, my heart rate increases while panic and anxiety pour over me in what feels like a nanosecond of the words coming out of his mouth. It's my fault that I let him affect me like that. I know it is and I don't know how to NOT. The only time in my life where I just didn't care what he said or did to me was when I fell totally OUT of love with him and he had to court me all over again to win me back. After today, I wanted to put that wall back up but it's an all or nothing response that I just can't do. Not now anyway. Between the really bad days of my marriage and the awfulness of having to deal with my TWO mother in laws (yes I have two... he has two moms. long story) really pushes me to the edge of wanting to run. I'm a good runner; I've ran away from many a problems in my life and this has been the longest I've *stayed* in my whole life. I guess I can add that to the list of things I do well. 1) being a nurse 2) not running away from my problems. Awesome... am I a grown up yet?

As for the mother in laws... they used to live with us (again my fault) and after a nastiest year of my life complete with no holds bar verbal matches with my husbands mother in one end, her sister in her corner, and me alone... I just had enough. They finally moved out in January but now we pay a little over a third of their rent and currently having to buy my MIL a car. They come from a culture where they worked their whole lives so that their children can support them when able (her words) and so she hit the cash cow when her son went into computers and daughter in law became an RN. He has no other siblings so it's just us and I hate to admit it but I don't know how much longer I can take of her being so dependent on us. I wish she would get a hobby or a husband of her own. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have a sense of entitlement about her. I would WANT to do more for them if it didn't feel like an obligation.

As for my dad, he was recently diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's) back in October and I've been by his side through most of this crazy ride. He lives in Texas and with no wife since the divorce from my mother over 20 years ago, I am the closest child to him. Being the youngest, I think it was easier for me to forgive and forget him being abusive to my mother, being a drug addict and then abandoning us... but I wonder if it's just that love a daughter has for her father and that age had nothing to do with it. So when he was having issues, I flew out to TX and fought to have him diagnosed as NO ONE was doing anything for him. I stayed by his side for weeks. Often flying back and forth between work schedules to check on him. The last trip out there will sadly probably be my last trip out there. I just can't see him so sick anymore. He's deteriorated so rapidly and can barely move his fingers now; almost completely paralyzed he can move his lips and his eyebrows. He lives on a ventilator to his Trach and on a PCA pump for pain. Well, mostly for pain but largely because he hasn't coped with this disorder and rather sleep through it. My grandparents sit at his bedside like it's a vigil and although I know....or should I say hope that they have his best intentions in mind, it often feels like it would be easier for them if he would just die already.

I got tired of being their whipping horse and decided to come home where things got even worse after I left and I've become the scapegoat for his sudden decline. I think that was the start of this emotional decline of my own. I've been pretty down on myself after some of the fine words my grandmother and grandfather have called me. Everything I did for my father and for them, has now all of a sudden turned in to the worst thing I could have done; even if it's things they asked me to do. I was once praised and now hated. She's closed me out of caring for him and now that I am no longer there, she's become his POA so the LTAC doesn't give me much info. I fear she wouldn't even call if he died as I have had to call to find out he was even transferred to another facility.

I try to NOT take it personal as I feel the spirit of the lord tell me "this will pass" and that they are only looking for an outlet for their pain but it still hurts. I love the lord; It's taken me a long time to love god above all things but during this pain I fall short of the mark. I want desperately to come out of this trial with high scores but fear that I am failing miserably. I know the "word" and it pains me to be so miserable and depressed and "woe is me" but this is how I feel right now and hope for better days ahead. It's taken me a long time to realize that I am just a human being and being a christian doesn't mean I am perfect or will ever be perfect while on this earth in this early body. But I strive for perfection and hold on to hope that he's working out all my kinks along the way.

So, in short, I am needy and depressed... hopelessly seeking to connect with other people that can relate as the closest people to me are just so far away from *me* right now. I know that in my loneliest times gods trying to teach me to lean on him and him alone... I guess that's the hardest thing for me to do right now but I'm going to have to try. I'm tired of the pain and the fight. I think I have to let go and let god. But how?