Monday, April 5, 2010

I think something is wrong with me

I have no patience with my kids lately. From sun up to sunset, the screaming and fighting and disregard for my authority mixed with disrespect makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide. I am working on it; middle one is being put in time out and that is working... s-l-o-w-l-y. My little one should will be known as the "skin" from here on out as she refuses to keep any clothes or diapers on. She won't even wear a blanket at night... just skin. I'm tired of trying to be a good mother; I don't even know what that is anymore. Is the mere fact that they are feed, cleansed and dressed (for the most part) cover me for the time being as I try to figure out HOW to get my life back in order. I live in fear of even reprimanding them now that my oldest told a lie and had CPS called on us. This is not the first time he's done this. The first one was unfounded and now an investigation is going on to find out if what I am saying "my son has mental health issues, he's a manipulator and a liar" is the factual. "I'm going to have to do my own investigation to see what you are saying is the truth". I know it will, we have years and years of paperwork to show what we have done to save him but the fact that SOMEONE is watching me and questioning me makes me question myself. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore. Whats the point in trying.

I feel like I'm a lone right now. I used to feel like my husband was my best friend but a few years ago, during my second pregnancy, he became very distant and cold, down right mean to me. I used the M word again. So juvenile to him. I feel like I don't even really know him anymore. I find out about little white lies and I wonder "why lie about that?" and what else is he lying about.

I need to find a way to get out of this pit of depression and it's going to have to start with some structure in the home or I'm going to go insane.

Step one: Breath. Step two: attempt to clean one part of the house while preventing them from making a mess in another. Is that even possible because I have yet to accomplish this. Are their mothers out there that know how to do this? Please teach me. I feel like I'm drowning... throw me a rope!

1 comment:

  1. I feel like I'm numb and I can't stop crying. How am I supposed to get through this day?

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